I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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