my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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