sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
what the fuck happened to the tacos
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Randomize
