cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
