I'll bet she douches with gravy.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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