Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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