I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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