He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
