Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
