What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
