So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
