I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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