My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
