We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
