You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
