just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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