oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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