dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
