Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
