Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
