i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
