im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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