You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
