my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
