Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
