don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
