I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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