I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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