when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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