don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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