you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
