Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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