Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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