I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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