I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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