DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
