No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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