I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
