he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
