so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
