someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
