I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
