Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
