Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
