She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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