I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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