Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
