She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
