I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Randomize
