do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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