I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
